How can I convince you its me I don’t like

As the year is nearing the end, this is typically the season that I look forward to doing pre Gravel Grovel rides to prepare for my favorite race of the year. But, this year....or I guess I really should say these last 2 years have really been strange for me. My riding has really fallen off and I am way out of shape from where I was. I signed up for the GG in hopes that it would help motivate me to get out on the bike more than I had been, but it didn't work. I did ride some, but not near enough to make up for a year of loosing fitness. As the weekend was getting closer, I was really considering not going. There were some talks about a fun ride that day, but the plans were pretty loose and kept changing. I was not feeling fast enough to keep up anyway. I made the decision to just go anyway and get a good ride in even if I would not be "racing". I really didn't want to miss since I have yet to miss one. 

Then out of what seemed like nowhere a shining light appeared. Misty was talking about the race and we came up with the plan to ride together. The last time the race done she completed the route but finished outside the time cut off and was not an official finisher. I wanted to help change that. There were worries on both sides that we would be too slow for the other. I was not worried about going fast since I am not what I would call fast anymore. I really figured she would be waiting on me and I didn't want that to happen. I never know what legs will show up. Some days they do a lot better than others. A 60+ mile day is not a good day for them not to show up. 

We started the race off toward the back half of the pack. Things were rolling along pretty well. The first big climb had me hurting already, but I expected that. As we rolled in to Nebo I was having a blast. That section is so much more fun than climbing up the other side. There were some harry sections that I was really missing my suspension, but I was just happy to be in the woods. Back on the road the legs were acting like it was going to be a hard day. I kept rolling and moving as good as possible. Misty and me stayed together pretty well all day. There were times we got a little apart, but that would not last too long.

As the day went on the hills hurt more and more. We just needed to keep moving. I could not help myself and grabbed a beer at the Hickory Ridge rest stop. It was so good and was ready to call it a day, but I knew we needed to finish. The rest of the route seemed to be a blur with good times and painful times. I know I was fading in and out of a dark place but not sure if Misty was or not. I do know that the chatting seemed to slow down. I'm sure we both were ready to be done. It didn't really help much when we hit the end of blue creek and the mud was soft and took a lot of energy to keep rolling. Eventually we hopped back on the road and I knew we were on the home stretch. 

I kept trying to keep the pace up the best I could but also didn't want to make Misty go harder than she should. Before we started she made a comment about hoping to finish in 7 hours. I told her I thought 6 was more reasonable. I'm pretty sure she thought I was crazy, but when we rolled across the line with a time of 6:15, she was very happy. To make things even better she ended up finishing in 2nd place for the Women's MTB class. Awesome job Misty!!! I figure if I didn't have the beer that made us stay at the rest stop longer than I normally would have, we just might have hit that 6 hour mark. Sorry :-)

I can't believe how long it has been since I have posted something here. I have thought about things to post, but I just never seemed to have the motivation to put it down and after a few days of not posting it, the thought would fade away. So many things I wanted to say, but not really sure how to say it all. I am a mess of a rider. I am so far from where I was at the end of 2019. It is very sad to think about where I was and where I am. My mileage has dropped way off. I have filled my time with other things than riding. Not all of these bad, but not as conductive to riding fast. I have helped do several home projects, deck builds and roofing projects with friends. I have completely loved this time, but it came with eating habits that were not good and also came with a lot more drinking. This has me being back to a weight that I was probably 5-6 years ago or more. 

I thought my miles were way down for 2020. Not that they weren't compared to previous years, but in 2020 I put in around 2,700 miles and 2021 I have dropped that down to 1,600. I have to look back to 2012 to find similar mileage totals for the year. I have had a lot of mental blocks that have been the issue. I developed a severe anxiety about riding on the road. I can't even explain how I feel. There are times I feel like I can't even move and I can't force myself to get out the door. The convenience of riding from the house is huge and really puts a damper on my miles. It even has effected me enough that I just don't have the motivation to load up the jeep and head to the trail or a gravel road that I am more comfortable with riding on.

I have done some very fun rides with some good friends. This guy above put up with me trying to do PMBAR and wanting to quit at the top of the first climb. I made my first trip to Bentonville to ride a bunch of fun stuff there. All of my rides have been slower, shorter and more laid back, but I have still had some fun. I am really trying to get myself out of this funk and back to being healthier and happier. I am at my happiest when I am getting enough time behind the bars to keep thoughts from getting out of control. I can't say thank you enough for everyone that has stuck with me and put up with me whining about being slow. You don't know how much it really means to me. 

I know that the only way to get stronger/faster is to ride, but it is hard to commit to riding with people when I feel like I can't do their pace. I know most of the time they don't care, but I also know that when you have to wait a lot it is not as fun. So, here is to kicking this year to the curb and getting back to track for 2022. Not sure where I'm going, but I sure hope it involves a lot more hours and miles riding a bike. Here is a little photo dump for all the posts that I should have done this year.